I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
There r osticjed everywhere
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
