Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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