he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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