I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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