She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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