They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
