I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
