Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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