"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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