I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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