david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
