so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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