Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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