If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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