every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
