Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
