If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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