Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
