I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
