She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
