when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
