this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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