I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
