just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize