Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
