How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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