How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
