my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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