Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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