my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
