don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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