Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
