Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
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A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
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After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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