On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Randomize
