Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Randomize
