ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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