I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
