Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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