I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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