The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
please don't ironically join a cult
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