I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
