wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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