I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
