Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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