Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
