We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
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he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
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My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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