I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
