Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
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You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
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I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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