When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
