I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
