I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He told me they were just razor bumps!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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