My underwear smells like fireworks.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
