i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
