I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
we made out on top of his cat.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
