The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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