we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
