Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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