After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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