My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
