Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
