you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
When are your genitals available?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
