Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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