New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
