Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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