i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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